magazine issue 4 2009 / Issue 9

When Nothing Bad Happens but You’re Still Unhappy: Boredom in Romantic Relationships

• written by Greg Strong, Frank Fincham & Arthur Aron
• edited by Suzanne van Gils

Emotion, motivation, and relationship boredom

In the preceding paragraphs, we suggested that relationship boredom consists of an absence of positive emotion and an absence of approach motivation. But what does that mean exactly—an "absence" of emotion and motivation? Positive and negative emotions are independent of each other (Watson, Clark, & Tellegen, 1988); that is, "feeling good" is NOT the same as "not feeling bad." People feel varying amounts of positive and negative emotion at the same time. Imagine someone riding a roller coaster; as the car races over the track, swerving and diving, the person might feel excited and afraid, anxious and happy, all at once. He or she is experiencing arousing positive and negative emotions at essentially the same time, something that would be impossible if positive and negative emotions were opposites of each other. Simply, one can feel positive emotions ranging from low arousal (calmness, relaxation) to high arousal (excitement, exhilaration), and at the same time, one can feel negative emotions ranging from low arousal (irritation, annoyance) to high arousal (rage, terror). When one is experiencing either low negative or low positive emotion, it means they are experiencing very low amounts, or even an absence of that emotion. In other words, low positive emotion means a lack or an absence of positive emotion.

From the foregoing analysis it is possible to characterize boredom as being more representative of an absence of emotion rather than being an emotion itself. Boredom is very low arousal, or even an absence of arousal, and is experienced as dissatisfying. Thus, it appears to be a complete lack of positive emotion and either a lack of negative emotion or negative emotion of the very lowest arousal. The view of boredom as a lack of arousal and emotion makes practical sense; feeling bored is more a feeling of nothingness instead of feeling positive or negative. Or, to quote Elie Wiesel: "The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference."

As stated earlier, relationship therapists commonly hear complaints of boredom. Could boredom in a romantic relationship be more distressing than conflict? Although boredom (or romantic disengagement) and conflict are both unpleasant, they are not identical (Barry, Lawrence, & Langer, 2008). At least couples who argue with each other are still doing something. They may not be happy, but they are probably not bored (Strong & Harasymchuk, in press). Further, boredom may be an underlying cause of conflict. When someone is bored, they seek a means of relieving it. Boredom can be relived in both constructive and destructive ways. Perhaps some couples begin arguing as a (destructive) way to relieve relationship boredom? If so, it suggests that couples who stop arguing with each other may actually be setting themselves up for boredom; especially if they fail to increase their positive emotion to replace the negative emotion that came from arguing.

Emotion is only one part of relationship boredom; another—approach and avoidance motivation—will be elaborated next. Hedonism refers to the pursuit of pleasures and the avoidance of pains but these are separate motivations and engaging in one does not necessarily prevent the other. This distinction is important because there are different outcomes when one either achieves or fails to reach a motivational goal, depending on whether one is approaching a desired outcome or avoiding an undesired outcome (e.g., Carver & Scheier, 1999). When a person is doing well in approaching a desired goal, the result is an increase in positive emotion such as joy or happiness. When one is doing poorly at the same goal, the result is a decrease in positive emotion (i.e., experiencing low positive emotion), such as disinterest or boredom. When one is doing well at avoiding a particular undesired goal, the result is a decrease in negative emotion (i.e., experiencing low negative emotion), such as relief and security, but not an increase in positive emotion, such as joy and excitement. When one is doing poorly at this task, the result is an increase in negative emotion such as fear, anger, sadness, etc., but not a decrease in positive emotion. Successfully avoiding a conflict with your spouse is rewarding and positive; nevertheless, it is not the same as successfully receiving praise from your spouse. Avoiding an argument is not the same thing as receiving a gift, even though in both cases, goals are being achieved (avoidance goals for the former and approach goals for the latter—avoiding pain versus pursuing pleasure).

Like positive emotion, a lack of approach motivation could be a significant factor of relationship boredom. How can a romantic relationship grow and flourish if there is no progress or goals? If it does not move somewhere, forward, backward, anywhere, it becomes stagnant, dull, and boring. Thus, we once again suggest that relationship boredom is a prototypical construct that generally encompasses an absence of positive emotion and an absence of approach motivation.