Keeping the spark alive: The role of sexual communal motivation
More intuitively, the partners of people high in sexual communal strength also reaped important benefits. In a 21-day daily experience study of long-term couples, people with communally motivated partners reported that their partners were, in fact, highly responsive to their needs during sex and in turn, they felt more satisfied with and committed to their relationships. In another study of couples who were followed over three months, a person’s sexual communal strength predicted their partner’s satisfaction and commitment three months later, controlling for their partner’s satisfaction at commitment at the start of the study (Muise & Impett, invited resubmission). Other research suggests that, at times, changing sexual habits (or making sexual transformations) for a partner can benefit the relationship (Burke & Young, 2012). In one study, romantic couples reported how often they made sexual changes for their partners (e.g., had sex more frequently than personally desired or engaged in activities that were not their preference), and how they felt about making these sexual changes. People who made more frequent sexual changes for their partners had partners who reported being more satisfied in their relationships. In addition, people who felt more positive about changing their sexual habits for a partner felt happier in their relationships and had partners who reported greater happiness as well.
Is the Sexual Domain Unique?
Although a person’s sexual communal motivation is closely aligned with how communal they are in general, being communally motivated in the sexual domain is linked to unique benefits above and beyond general communal motivation. The special role of sexuality may have to do with the fact that discussions about sex can often make partners feel vulnerable and sexuality can be a particularly emotionally charged domain of relationships (Metts & Cupach, 1989; Sanford, 2003). Furthermore, because many romantic relationships are sexually monogamous (Blanchflower & Oswald, 2004), partners may not be able to get their sexual needs met outside of a relationship like they may be able to with other needs. Being high in sexual communal strength may help navigate differing interests and maintain satisfaction in a particularly meaningful and vulnerable domain of relationships.
Can a Person Be Too Communal?
Although there are clearly benefits to being communal in a sexual relationship, being motivated to meet a partner’s need without considering your own needs is not linked to benefits in a relationship and in fact, can detract from relationship quality. Unmitigated communion involves a focus on a partner’s needs to the detriment of one’s self (Fritz & Helgeson, 1998). People high in unmitigated communion do not reap the same benefits as people high in communal strength and are actually less successful at navigating situations of relationship conflict (Nagurney, 2007). This concept has not yet been applied to the specific domain of sexuality, but some research suggests prioritizing a partner’s sexual needs without considering one’s own sexual needs could lead to detrimental consequences, such as losing sight of one’s own desires (Tolman, 2002) or experiencing lower sexual well-being (Muise, Preyde, Maitland, & Milhausen, 2008). Therefore, sexual communal motivation is not just about meeting a partner’s needs, but about striking the right balance between being responsive to their partner’s needs and asserting their own needs.
In addition, based on theories of communal motivation, there should be a degree of mutuality in romantic partners’ motivation to meet each other’s needs. That is, both partners should be attuned to and responsive to the needs of the other, and care should be given based on whose need is greater at that time. If one partner is communal and the other partner is not or takes advantage of the partner’s communal nature, in theory, the communal person should stop being communal or should end the relationship to avoid being exploited (Clark & Mills, 2012). So although communal giving is not quid pro quo, people who are communally motivated to meet their partner’s needs expect their partners to be motivated to meet their needs in return.
What Does this Mean for Your Relationship?
People high in sexual communal strength can provide insight into potential strategies that might promote desire and satisfaction in ongoing romantic partnerships. It seems that to be motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs you have to understand those needs and a good starting place may to be to promote open sexual communication in a relationship. We know from a previous study that people who communicate, either verbally or non-verbally, with their partner during sex reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction (Babin, 2012). As such, one way to promote communal giving in a relationship may be to openly communicate with a partner about sexual interests and preferences. Self-disclosure is seen as a key aspect of communal relationships (Clark & Mills, 2010). Therefore, disclosure about sexual needs, wants, and desires may be an important way to promote sexual communal strength in ongoing relationships, and may encourage a partner to share their desires as well.
